A Lost Life

Times have been rocky lately with the continued search for a job and emotional upheaval that has occurred over the past several months. I have had some great days where I felt utter breakthrough and days when I felt that I would never stop falling. Relationships have changed, living situations have changed, people have come in and out of my life. I found myself thinking about the decisions I have made and one in particular stood out among the rest.

Back around December/January I made a decision to lay down a quote "normal life" and pursue a very intense life as an intern at my church. I had recently been laid off from my job, so naturally I got a lot of resistance and questions as to how I was going to be able to raise the money and get everything in order. I met with a couple of advisers one urged me to wait another year and work to pay off some debt, the other was excited about my decision and told me to continue to pray as I pursued answers to the questions.

I felt very deep in my heart and soul that I was making the right decision. I got a part-time job and did my best to brainstorm ideas for fund raising. Looking back I should have made a better decision to find a full-time job, but I wanted to help out a friend. When the job ended, I began to question myself and much else. Though I knew very strongly that I was doing what I felt God was leading me to do, things were completely falling apart.

I moved back home, 45 minutes from my life, my friends, and my church. To be completely honest, it felt like I was taking a giant step backwards. Many people went through The Great Depression in 1929, but for me it was about five years ago. The effects left me dropped from my college and an absolute mess without anyone to truly turn to. Moving back home gave me the same exact feeling of isolation, the feeling that my life had stopped while everyone else was moving forward, and that I would never get my life back.

A couple of days ago the scripture came to me:

If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms. Luke 17:32, The Message

It was just a moment and I realized few months ago I wanted to give up "normal life" for "intern life." It was on my terms and how I thought God wanted to do things because it was the natural next step. I felt God just tell me to do just what that scripture said; let go of that life and receive life on his terms. Though I need a job, I need my God more. Though I need to get out of debt, I need his guidance and direction more.

I went back to the old faithful Psalm 23 yesterday and it spoke more peace to me than I think it ever has before. When I got to verse four I almost broke down in tears:

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are right by my side.
Psalm 23:4 NLT

He is right by my side, every second, every minute of every day. He knows every broke place, every dream that he has placed in my heart, and only he knows the what he is planning and stirring up in my future. So I hold on to the hope that this winter season is going to come to an end and the dawn of a sweet spring will soon come. I let my life on my terms go so I can receive life on His terms.

Friendship

I ran across an article on Relevant Magazine's website called "The High Cost of Friendship" and it made me think long and hard. There was a particular quote that struck me:

Everything in life costs us something—in time, money, energy, love or emotion. Friends, real know-you-down-to-your-soul friends, come at a high cost. They guarantee a lifetime of broken hearts as we say goodbye, farewell and amen, again and again over the course of our lives.

It has been a long time since I have let people get that close to me. Sure, I have close friends, people I hang out with and have shared great memories with, but when I really think about them, I don't think I have many, if any, "real know-you-down-to-your-soul" friends. I don't think I am alone in this at all.

Like the article says, we live in a world of profiles and tweets and eharmony. We have the ability to be rejected/accepted by several different technologies. We can create the fantastical world we want to live in without ever really putting ourselves out there. I vaguely remember the days without internet, instant messaging, e-mailing, etc. Although there are good things that have come from this enslaught of technology, it has also crippled a generation from connecting with real people and doing life together.

My hope and my prayer, for me at least, is to really let people into my life like never before. Regardless of what the outcome may be. Laying aside fear of rejection or pain. The reality is that pain will come and bad things will happen. The truth is that alone these things are hard to face, but together we can make it through anything.

To my friends, I honestly and truly love you all more than you can imagine. You each bring a special joy to my heart and I celebrate the moments we share together.

Refresh

The past few months have been a whirlwind to say the very least, and being who I am, they have also been somewhat emotional. Heading into a new season, and an unknown one at that, is not always easy. This particular transition seems to be one of the hardest since I recommitted my life to Christ.

Since January, I had been planning to go into a full-time internship at my church and knew without a doubt that I was on the right path and it was the next step in preparation for what God has in my future. That all changed about 2 weeks ago when I faced the harsh reality that finances were not going to allow this step to happen this year. Though I still have a lot of work a head of me in finishing up my associates degree, things are changing drastically and it is quite a lot to take in all at once.

I do have to say that my trust is still in God and that I believe He knows what is going on and is not surprised. I feel he is pushing me into a season I would not have walked into willingly to bring me to a level I would not have found otherwise. I am constantly amazed by His faithfulness to me and His patience with me. He is a great and mighty God, worthy of all praise and glory. I do believe that he will finish what he has started in me and I trust that he will order my every step.

FRUIT HAPPENS

I am doing a t-shirt fundraiser to raise money for the Healing Place School of Ministry full-time internship. I am selling them for $15 and you can email me for more information at erin.rayborn@gmail.com

The shirt says : Fruit Happens and the reference is John 15:16 that says

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

Why keep it bottled up?

So I have been thoroughly seduced by Jon McLauglin lately. Hi music is amazing and uplifting and just fabulous. There is one song in particular that I have been stuck on called "Throw My Love Around," and in it he says something that totally grips my heart:

//IN AN UNFRIENDLY WORLD WHO CARES WHO YOU ARE?//AND IT'S NOT FAIR, THEY DON'T CARE //BUT YOU ARE HERE FOR ME // I AM PART OF THE LIFE YOU'RE
LEADING //SO I WON'T MOVE WITHOUT YOU //I'M GONNA THROW MY LOVE AROUND //I'LL BE WHAT I HAVE TO //I'LL BE WHAT I HAVE TO BE


We are so not meant to keep the love and grace God has shown us all bottled up inside of us, but rather we are to allow God to shake us up so that unfailing love and grace of His can spew out of us onto the people and lives around us. This is completely messing me up inside. There are so many broken people around me, some more than others, but broken none the less.

John 13:34-35 says: "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." This is the reason we should do what Jon's song says and THROW OUR LOVE AROUND.

An Undoing

Recently I signed my life away to be an full-time intern with Healing Place School of Ministry next year. It will be a year without a job, a year with endless stretching capacity, a year of molding and shaping, a year of major change. This change will be eternal, and one that I hope I will allow God to work no matter how I feel or how much I fight. This decision has probably been one of the hardest and scariest decisions of my entire life, but I know it is going to be good.

This decision has started a process, an undoing if you will, that is deeper than I expected. Foundations are being tampered with and my world shaken up like a snowglobe...all the little pieces never fall in the same place they were before. God is already starting a process that was set in motion two years ago when I decided to be a part-time intern. I wasn't the same person I was when I started as I am now two years later.

This scripture has been the prayer of my heart in this season:

Teach me your decrees, O LORD;
I will keep them to the end.
Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;
I will put them into practice with all my heart.
Make me walk along the path of your commands,
for that is where my happiness is found.
Give me an eagerness for your laws
rather than a love for money!
Turn my eyes from worthless things,
and give me life through your word.
Reassure me of your promise,
made to those who fear you.
Help me abandon my shameful ways;
for your regulations are good.
I long to obey your commandments!
Renew my life with your goodness.

Psalm 119:33-40 NLT

Demolition Day!

Servolution continues with a surprise make-over of the teacher's lounge at Prescott Middle School. It was fun, messy, and a major stress reliever! See pics below...

Jay Melilli trying to look fabulous :)

Tori O holding a rather large nail gun.

Daniel Wells rocking the ONE hard hat for this whole shindig.

Jay (R) and Mini Jay (L--aka Caleb Carmouche)

The rare moment of Jay performing manual labor...
doesn't look like it but he was unhinging the door of some cabinets.

Chris Mac, Daniel, and MaryBeth demo-ing some cabinets.

K-Fin and Lacey taking apart some cabinets.

MaryBeth showing the boys how it's done!